Wren could see that Theo was trying. He could. He loved that he was trying, but hated that he had to try at all.
It had been so easy, once. But now — now it was painful. Even the good things were painful.
He squeezed Theo’s hand, more tightly than he meant to, and gave him a smile.
“No, she’s not coming to visit,” he said, trying to sound reassuring and probably doing a terrible job of it.
“But, uh…”
Fuck. There was no good way to say it.
“She — um. She offered me a job.”
He wanted it to sound positive, and hopeful, and like good news, but…
It was a big deal, at an uncertain time. He wasn’t sure how Theo would take it, but — well, if he’d thought he’d react well, then he’d have felt better about bringing it up, right?
Theo was silent for a time following Wren’s announcement. He stared at him, opening his mouth to respond, but his mind had failed to process any kind of reaction.
He didn’t recognize Wren’s expression, at first. And it was troubling.
He looked down at Wren’s fingers squeezing his, too hard. He cleared his throat and slowly eased his fingers from Wren’s grasp, before pulling his hand completely away. He wrapped both hands around the bottle of juice.
“She offered you a job,” Theo repeated slowly. He couldn’t bring himself to look at him, and the words tasted bitter in his mouth. “You told her that you’ve been looking for a job in Oregon, right? That your plan was to stay?”
It was like reality had suddenly collided with all the irrational fears he’d both been entertaining and actively ignoring over the last couple of months. He’d been carrying both around in his pocket for so long they’d become tangled together like threads, to the point where he now found it difficult pulling the two apart.
He’d known Wren had left a part of himself in New York. He’d known, deep down, that keeping Lisa and Wren separate would have been best, but he’d capitulated, even against his better judgement. Even Emily had known. Besides that, they’d fought so many times when they’d been in the city, over stupid things as well as important things. And then he’d gotten so sick that nothing would ever be the same.
He knew things had changed. He'd known for some time.
Theo looked up, meeting Wren’s eyes. He recognized his expression then, and the feeling like he might cry dissipated instantly. He’d seen the look before, he realized now. Wren looked like he was about to apologize.
He cleared his throat again, sitting a up little straighter as he steeled himself for the conversation to come.
“You’ve already decided to take it, haven’t you,” Theo said, his voice above a whisper.
The words hung between them, heavy, excruciating, and, as he waited for Theo to respond, all Wren wanted was to take them back.
But it was too late for that.
It was too late, and, more importantly, it didn’t matter. He would have needed to say them, and it was better to do it now, while they still had time to discuss it. This job offer wasn’t something he could just ignore.
Even so, it hurt. The disbelief in his words. The bitterness. The defeat. Worst of all, the way he pulled his hand away, like he couldn’t bear to touch him any more.
Wren swallowed and stood up, shoving his hands into his pockets. It felt safer. More open. Less defensive. “I mean, yeah, she knew our plans. We’d been talking about some of the places in Portland I’ve been applying to. She was helping with my resume.”
Glancing at Theo, then back at the floor, he shrugged.
“I knew she was hiring, but I had no idea she was thinking of offering it to me.” It was all he could do to stop himself from tacking on a plaintive, pathetic I swear. “I haven’t decided anything, Theo, but… yeah. I want to take it. I really, really do.”
He almost couldn’t bear to look at him, didn’t want to have to face the expression he knew he’d be wearing, but he made himself meet his eyes as he reached for all the points he’d rehearsed.
“It’s an amazing opportunity, Theo. Just a year working for your mom would make my whole career, and she even said I can start when you’ve recovered enough for the move. I’m not going to get a better offer, ever, and I’d be insane for even thinking of passing it up.”
Frankly, he thought he was insane for not saying yes immediately. She should have withdrawn it just for that.
Wren tried for a smile, but it didn’t quite work. Still, he took a seat next to Theo on the couch, and held his hand out to him. A peace offering. Something to say we’re in this together.
“I know it’s really sudden, but I really do feel like it’s the best move for us. What do you think?”
For someone who hadn’t decided what he was going to do, take the job or not, Wren sure seemed to have a fully baked out plan regarding how his future looked.
Theo stared up at his boyfriend as he paced across his living room, and he was struck suddenly by some strange, dissociative sensation. And he realized why, as soon as Wren brought up the idea of Theo moving back to New York with him.
He’d been operating on the premise that he hadn’t factored into Wren’s plans. That this would be an entirely different conversation, where Wren would break up with him and move back East. He wasn’t sure where the divide had come from, or if the man frantically pacing in front of him, hands jammed into his pockets, was the same man he’d come to fall in love with. Quiet, thoughtful, intentional with his words, and most importantly logical. He furrowed his brow as Wren sat back down on the couch, staring at his empty, outstretched hand. This man, who clearly had been memorizing his argument the same way a lawyer would blindly fight for a client, seemed like a stranger. Theo had indeed factored into his plans, in a way, but Wren was advocating for himself.
“I’m not moving back to New York,” Theo murmured. After some time he looked up, locking eyes with Wren.
And even this felt wrong, in a way. He knew if he’d been well, if he hadn’t spent the last three weeks in bed after nearly dying, he’d be pissed off. He’d be furious. He’d demand to know from Wren if he’d listened to a single word he’d ever said during their entire relationship. About how much he hated the city, how much happier he was with a continent between himself and his family and old group of friends. His controlling, overly involved mother, his homophobic, narcissistic father. Ben, with his snide remarks and troop of starry eyed followers. And the city itself, a pulsing, threatening, embodiment of fake, dull eyed people.
He’d pick apart how Wren was ignoring the fact he’d literally built himself a home away from it all, out here in the beautiful woods of Oregon, where he could see the ocean from his deck, smell the rich ferment of the soil. Where he felt safe, independent and at rest. And now he wanted to take that away from him? He wanted Theo to follow him back to New York, where once again he was expected to upend his life and start new? He’d have to pretend to be friends with Katie, Angie and Will, go for dinners with Lisa even though Wren knew his mom stressed him out, and pray that he never ran into Ben again? And this time, he’d be weak, more disabled, more dependent on Wren for everything.
But the grey-ness persisted, the mental fog that came with his chronically exhausted and perpetually (overly) medicated mind. He couldn’t fight, either to win the argument, or for Wren.
However, in spite of this, Theo was comforted by the fact that he was certain in his decision. And that in itself made him feel more in control than he had been in a month. He pulled the blanket up over his forearms, clasping his hands together beneath the soft wool. Safe and put away.
“What I think is … You’re wrong,” he continued. “It’s not the best move for us. Maybe it is for you, but …. I’m sorry. No. We spent nearly the entire time in the city fighting, at least when I wasn’t in a medicated coma. What makes you think us living there will be any different?”
He felt light-headed. It was possibly the most he’d spoken since coming home, and soon the scratch in his throat turned into a fit of hoarse, barking coughs. Theo grimaced and swallowed, shaking his head.
“I can’t live like that. Not again.”
Whatever Theo thought, Wren wasn’t delusional.
He’d spent the last day playing this conversation out in his mind, rehearsing what to say. At no point had he ever thought Theo would readily agree, and while he had been hoping for a discussion, he’d expected an argument.
But he hadn’t expected what Theo ended up giving him: a blanket refusal.
For a moment, all he could do was stare, unable to hide both his hurt and his bafflement.
Then, he frowned, withdrawing his hand as he recalibrated his line of argument.
“That’s not fair.”
And you’re not sorry, whispered a nasty voice in the back of his mind. He pushed the thought away, standing up again, even though he resisted the sudden urge to pace.
“I get it, Theo, I really do, but of course it’ll be different. We’d have our own space. We’d find a routine. And it wouldn’t have to be for long. A year, maybe two. Then we could come back. Hell, then we could go anywhere you wanted to go.”
That’s not fair.
Theo squeezed his eyes shut, pressed his fingers to his temples and palms to his eye sockets hard. Until his vision swam with sun blots of black and white. He could feel Wren abruptly stand up from the couch and Theo wondered if he was frustrated with him.
He needed a minute to calibrate. This wasn’t what he’d been expecting when he’d woken up. He hadn’t even wanted to get out of bed, he’d just felt obligated to give Wren the attention he'd probably needed from him after a long day.
He wished he’d just stayed in bed, where it was safe.
“I don’t think you get it,” he whispered, shaking his head.
“You’ll have a routine, and a job, and friends. What will I have?” he asked, voice cracking a little as he opened his eyes. He stared at Wren, uncomprehending how what was supposed to be a discussion had turned into a full on debate, complete with a winner and a loser.
“This is my home, Wren,” Theo said, extending a shaky arm towards the kitchen he’d designed himself, the ceiling-hung fireplace he’d picked out and hovered over while the contractors he’d extensively researched installed it. His huge, suede sofa, where he'd spent so many pain-filled days resting. His gaze lingered on the wall to ceiling windows where the sun had just set, and the shadows cast by the sitka trees had begun shrinking into phantoms. These were the things he’d thought about while sitting in that shitty hospital. The quiet, peace, and safety.
“I left New York for a reason. Well, a lot of reasons and … I don’t want to go anywhere else.”
It almost felt good to feel again, the conviction he felt in his decision. He hadn’t felt in control or sure of anything for what must have been weeks. He worried only about the consequences.
He wanted to stand up, hold Wren’s hands tight and beg him to stay. But at the same time, a small flicker of anger was igniting somewhere deep inside. How could he?
Even worse than that, he felt relieved.
Theo shifted on the couch, eyes turned down as he rubbed a corner of the blanket between his stiff fingers.
“I’m not going. I’m sorry.”
Wren fell silent and still, folding his arms right across his chest. Every word out of Theo’s mouth felt like — not a slap, not exactly, but a gut-punch. Something that knocked the air right out of him, again and again and again, until he found it hard to breathe.
He did get it. All of the things Theo claimed he would lack if they moved back to New York, Wren was missing now.
This is my home. I don’t want to go anywhere else.
He got it. He really did.
Which was why he was willing to concede that Theo didn’t want to, if he couldn’t for whatever reason, then he had to accept that.
“Okay,” he said. Quiet, simple, understanding.
“Then we’ll do long distance.”
It wasn’t what he wanted, but he was willing to compromise, for Theo.
Theo didn't know if he was closer to laughing or crying.
He couldn't decide if Wren thinking Theo was in any way capable of doing long distance was based in a noble belief in his ability to overcome his many health challenges, or a complete obvliousness to Theo's fucked up body.
He couldn't travel alone. He could barely make the walk to his mailbox never mind the drive to Portland followed by a six hour plane ride. He knew he'd recover from the pneumonia, but he wasn't sure if he'd get back what he'd lost from his MS flare up in the hospital. His feet had lost almost all feeling, his balance was worse than it had ever been, and the doctors at the hospital had told him his MS was progressing. And that scared the shit out of him.
And it wasn't like Wren would be able to visit much. He'd grown up with lawyers, was intimately familiar with how their income was directly tied to how many hours they spent chained to their desks. Social commitments came second, marriages failed, children were sent away to boarding schools when they became too much of a time commitment.
A charitable part of him knew that it wasn't fair to act like Wren's chosen profession was news. But when he and Wren had discussed his life as a lawyer on the beach so many months ago, scruffy and wearing hand-me-downs from the 1980s, it hadn't felt real.
The other much more distressing fact was that it was Lisa offering Wren the job. His mother had not only clawed her perfectly manicured way back into his life, but was potentially going to be a very large part of Wren's as well. Couldn't Wren see that this was a boundary Theo clearly wasn't willing to cross? Did he not see why it was upsetting?
"I need to think about it," Theo said quietly after some time, frowning while he stared at the shape of his hands beneath the blanket.
"How much time do you need?" asked Wren. "I kind of need to let your mom know by tomorrow."
Theo looked up, heat rising in his throat and manifesting as a firey glare.
And then it fizzled. He looked away, towards the hall leading to the bedroom. Safety.
"Okay," he responded, resignation making his voice soft. He pulled the blanket off his lap, leaving it in a messy bundle on the couch. "I'm going back to bed. I'm not feeling well."
Theo stood, using the armrest as support while he struggled to get his legs to behave. He wasn't looking at Wren, but could hear him take a hesitant step forward to help. He didn't want it.
Quietly shutting the bedroom door behind him, Theo sat on the edge of his bed and stared at the wall in a daze. Despite promising otherwise, he didn't want to think about it. He wanted everything to be how it was before New York, before their first fight at Ursula's, before the chain of events that had led them here.
His life was falling apart and there was nothing he could do about it.
He opened the drawer to his bedside table, taking out his pill organiser and dumping the contents into his palm. One by one he swallowed each medication, then opened a separate orange bottle containing the pain pills prescribed by the doctor in New York. He shook out two, and then another, tossing them back with a swig of water from the glass that had been sitting by his bed for the past three days. Then he pulled his phone out of his pocket, opened up the text conversation with his mother, and started shakily typing a message.
How could you do this me?
Theo then blocked her, turned the lights off, and pulled the duvet over his head as he waited for the coming darkness.
---
Morning came too quickly. Wren hadn't come to bed, which wasn't abnormal, but Theo was glad for it nonetheless.
Theo groggily unbundled himself from his duvet cocoon and glanced at the clock. Ten in the morning, which was relatively early for him even though he'd knocked himself out with percocet at around nine the night before. And despite the comforting fog the pills had provided, he had actually managed to think about Wren's move and long distance proposition. He'd sorted through his feelings, which had led him to a rather simple conclusion. And he was firmly resolved in his decision.
Stiffly, he eased himself out of bed and limped to the ensuite washroom where he splashed water over his face and brushed his teeth. He took his morning medication, hoping for some relief from the overnight spasticity. The muscles in his legs and back were tight, and it hurt to fully extend his fingers. His left side was especially sore and tingly, like half his body had fallen asleep.
After a few minutes of attempting to fix his hair, he knew it was time to face the music.
It was a stunningly beautiful day, which was at odds with how he felt. As he entered the kitchen, he spotted Wren sitting at the island drinking coffee and reading the paper. Theo felt something in his chest tighten. He'd only recently started ordering physical newspapers for Wren since Theo mainly got the news from Instagram and Facebook. The thought of cancelling his subscription to The Oregonian suddenly filled him with dread.
Theo came up behind him, and as Wren looked up once he noticed him Theo wrapped his arms around him in a gentle hug. He lingered there, breathing in the smell of his hair as he gathered up his courage. Not for what he wanted to say, but for how Wren would react.
He closed his eyes.
"I thought about our talk last night," Theo murmured into his hair. He breathed in deeply, before releasing Wren from his embrace. He pulled up a stool and sat down beside him, staring into his blue eyes.
"I can't do long distance. I don't want to do long distance. I love you and I want you to stay. I want things to stay the same."
Theo took a breath and looked away, fully aware that this was a sore topic. But he had to say it.
"And I don't want you working for my mother."
